Run

So that’s what I did; I left.

It took me all of twenty-one days to pack what I needed and sell what I didn’t and move 940 miles away. I was determined to make it work and quickly convinced myself that this was the best decision I could make with the cards I’ve been dealt.

I was strong and confident, or at least that’s what I made people believe. I was running, and no one could stop me.

Six am, and the alarm is going again. I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest. “Am I really about to do this?” I gather my things and fight the tears as I say goodbye to my tiny apartment. That tiny apartment holds a lot of big memories, good and bad but nevertheless; memories.

“This drive is never ending.” I’ve thought about turning around twice now, but what would I be going back to? An empty apartment, a job I don’t have; no thanks.

It’s 7pm. The GPS lied; it really takes 11 hours, 3 pit stops, an unlimited supply of coffee, and a few tissues to go 940 miles. I’m finally getting to my exit and feel much excitement as I pull into the driveway of palm trees. I couldn’t wait to see everyone.

We stay up for a while, chatting the night away. I get to my room and organize my things and start to feel that elephant again. I lay on my bed and stare at the fan, “what the hell did you just do?” I talk myself in and out of declaring insanity and driving right back home. It’s going to be hard, really hard, but I can do this. I can make this place home just like I made North Carolina home.

“Nothing good comes easy, right?” Who said that anyways? Someone who clearly wanted something, and kept trying for it, and trying, then finally got it. Right? Or maybe some idiot who thought running was the ultimate answer. Either way, it’s the truest statement ever made because nothing was easy anymore.

As the days pass I find myself on a roller coaster of emotions. So intrigued by a new place, with new people, and new things to do; but all the new also means nothing familiar. Which is exciting yet terrifying.

I keep busy; between working two jobs, going out with my coworkers, and exploring the coast. I talk to my friends and family regularly and I’m almost able to make myself believe that they are here too; somewhere. Then I have days that I just need someone familiar, those are the worst.

I enjoy being alone now more than ever before. My favorite place is sunset on the shore, the view is unbelievable. That’s probably my favorite thing about Florida, the shore. It’s as if mother nature paints it fresh every hour using an array of colors. The sky so blue with the whitest clouds, and ocean which is art on it’s own. It’s as if I am transported to a small paradise every time I go.

These are the moments I never want to leave. Everything seems so peaceful and I forget how much of me is missing.

I keep a routine of work, beach, and play to distract my mind as much as possible. I make plans with friends from home that will most likely never happen, but the idea alone is comforting. I’m stuck between wanting something new but longing for the past.

Day 90; yes I’ve been counting. It’s 7am and I’m packing my car. Since I know how this trip goes I’m prepared with unlimited amounts of coffee, the snack necessities, and a solid playlist. I dread the drive but am beyond excited to reach the finish line. The downside; I’m leaving the same way I came. No job, no apartment, and everything I was running from.

“Nothing good comes easy” does not include running.

xo

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Hands 

It’s 6am and my alarm is screaming Calvin Harris. I wake up to see you next to me, then sigh of relief.

You open your eyes and smile as I kiss your forehead. We lay there together and discuss the day ahead.

“We have to get up!” you say.

I roll my eyes and proceed to get ready for work. Our routine syncs perfectly. One of us always looking out for the other. It’s like two multi-colored puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly.

“Ready?”

We swing out the door, grab coffee, and play The Amazing Race to get to work on time. We listen our favorite tunes to get pumped for the day. You love to dance in the car, I love to sing, it’s an entertaining combination.

The day goes on with check in’s here and there; “How’s work? Should we cook tonight? I can’t wait to get back to you.” I smile every time I see your name on my phone. It’s a natural reaction.

Four-thirty hits and it’s a race to see who can get home first. We watch last nights episode of Jimmy Fallon and order Chinese. I pour two glasses of wine and we chat over weekend plans.

“Road trip?”

Nightfall comes and we head upstairs. I love sleeping next to you but I hate to close my eyes.

Our relationship is the perfect combination of chaos and comfort. My mind is a tangled web of thoughts, my heart beats uncontrollably, and my hands holding yours.

It’s 6am; my alarm goes off, and I’m waking up without you.

I stare at the ceiling and contemplate leaving bed. I toss my hair into a bun, throw on some clothes, and wait for the kuerig to make me a cup of cures. I can still feel the whiskey from last night, or maybe all the wine. I stare at a blank TV screen and attempt to gather my thoughts. Everything reminds me of you.

“Ready?”

I drive to work in silence and spill half my coffee on my pants. I catch myself checking my phone, waiting for a good morning text.

Four-thirty hits and I race to get home. I race to see if you’ve changed your mind. I watch Jimmy Fallon and snack on popcorn. I grab two glasses for wine, but only pour one. I hate the quiet.

My mind is tangled in thoughts, my heart is beating uncontrollably, and my hands are longing for yours.

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Just Too Beautiful

you are going to come

across people in your life

who will inspire you,

love you and change you,

and that is a rare thing,

but every once in a

while you will come across

someone who will completely

rob you from your sleep

and those are the people

who are just too beautiful

to put into words.

– r.m. drake

 

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