Holding On to Hope

Most of my life I’ve completely blown off the fact that I don’t really know my biological dad. I remember bits and pieces that I used to think we’re so much but have now turned to few and far between.

When he went away I couldn’t completely comprehend what was going on. I just felt like I would see or hear from him eventually, which was true for a short period of time. Seeing became less and even fewer cards and phone calls until nothing. I don’t even remember how that made me feel; probably because I acted as if it didn’t matter. I actually don’t remember showing much emotion at all to his absence. Which even more clarifies the person I am today.

I always felt like he’d come back.

When my mom started seeing my step dad the first thing I asked him was “can I call you dad.” So there must have been a small piece of me that knew the truth; that my dad would eventually go away.

Once he did and my mom and step-dad married they asked me if I wanted to change my last name. Should have been a no-brainer. Haven’t heard from my dad in quite some time and it’s become pretty clear he’s doesn’t want to be found, but I just couldn’t. Part of me didn’t want to because I felt like my last name is who I really was, and I suppose the other part was me holding on to that crazy idea he’d come back. Of course I never said these things out loud. “If I changed my last name how would be ever be able to find me?” Always having in the back of my head “one day.”

We moved around a lot, and no I’m not a military child; we just moved. When we moved to North Carolina I was 16 and hope was close to dead by this point. When we’d go home to Maryland I’d sometimes get a kick and decide to look him up, but I could never find him. I’d even have my mom help me but it was like he completely disappeared. I remembered at one point we thought we heard he had passed away and for some odd reason I felt overwhelmed with sadness. How could I feel sad about losing someone I barely knew? Someone who didn’t stick around to watch me grow. I felt ridiculous for being upset and come to find out, it wasn’t him at all.

I’d say holding on to hope is one of my biggest flaws. I held on for so long that you’d think the whole situation would have killed it. It didn’t. I still hold on to hope. Hope that people will change. Hope that I can change their minds. Hope for things even when there’s no hope left. The one thing I did gain is running. Running every time things get hard or too much to handle. I just pick up and leave and I don’t spend much time even contemplating. I find the quickest way out and I take it. “Start new.” But its never really new because of hope.

So that brings me here; Southern Florida.

Sold everything I owned and left.

Some say “wow that’s awesome!” or “I wish I had the balls to do that.” While all those comments make me feel great, I have no idea what I’m doing. Then of course there’s the few who say “stop running.” those are the ones I ignore; probably because it’s the truth. Running or not; here I am. Seven hundred nineteen miles away from home. Don’t know what I’m looking for, don’t exactly know what I’m doing, but as always; I’m holding on to hope.

Dear June

You’ve been proven to be one hell of a month June. Never have I ever had to make so many decisions and have so many feelings at once.

I’ve loved, I’ve lost, been heartbroken and let down, said goodbye to an old friend, and mended old relationships, made life changing decisions, experienced a huge revolution, and have shed a decent amount of tears.

June; excuse my French but you’ve kind of been a bitch. You threw quite the wrench into my life, but I’m learning to roll with it. If you taught me anything it’s nothing is for certain. Just when you think “okay, I got it, things are all right” someone comes around to stir the pot.

But now I’m so dizzy.

I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy, just terribly confused. You’ve made me question a lot of things June.

If there’s one thing I’ve decided, it’s I come first. Far too long have I put others before myself, now it’s my turn. Maybe that’s what my New Years resolution really meant. When I decided to live for me, I forgot about the “me” part. I’m so easily distracted and forget how important I am. So my mid-year resolution is me.

Me, me, me, meeeeeee.

I assume we’re all guilty at times, and if you’re hearts are anything like mine, you’re always guilty. Damn you heart, shrink a little won’t you?

So as much chaos you’ve brought to my life; thank you June. Without you and all the mess you’ve brought I’d still be stuck in this revolving door of ruts. Maybe turning over a new leaf won’t be so bad; its actually quite a huge leaf. Might as well say I’m turning over the whole damn tree.

Maybe I’ll find everything I’m looking for, maybe I’ll find nothing at all. I’m just hoping for clarity in this jump, even if I fall.

So here’s to you June! You and your 30 days of madness. I tip my hat to you and bid you and all your baggage farewell.

Cheers. ox

The Inevitable

I guess it’s true what they say; “nothing lasts forever.” It’s unfortunate that such a harsh statement can be so true. Who even came up with that? They should be slapped for putting a time card on happiness.

The universe is a crazy thing. The one thing no one will ever understand. People change their minds all the time; you just never figure the actual change would involve you.

What a shot. It’s the weird kind of pain, the one where you go through stages; annoying stages that just fog your mind completely. Of course there’s sadness, then anger, and silence. All three in which your brain is churning like there is no tomorrow. I wish I could turn that damn thing off …

Dear heart,
I’m sorry for only using you and not my brain too. It was good though; fun, beautiful, but not enough. This too shall pass.
ox.

I guess that’s the worst part; it was fun and so beautiful. You were everything I was looking for; my best friend and my other half all in one. The person I could tell my darkest secrets too and be my complete self around. Never thought I’d find someone I’d have all those things with.

The moon was red that night which entails “the end of days.” Thanks universe, thanks.

As I’ve said before; “let’s fall in love, let’s get hurt, we’ll just pick up the pieces later.”

Breathe. 

Woo Me.

This is a Public Service Announcement:

Since when was it okay to just be so blunt it’s almost offensive?

Need an example?

Well much like the rest of the population in their 20’s who are single, I too have downloaded tinder. What did I learn from tinder? Chivalry is dead as a door nail. When did it become okay to ask for nudes, or sexual favors, or anything at all to that nature? Even a better question; what made men decide that was even an appropriate thing to ask?

…”Please tell me you’ve been drinking … Oh you haven’t? FANTASTIC” .. (Eyes roll into another galaxy)

Now don’t get me wrong; this isn’t a “feminist” thing this is just a respect thing. When did women lose respect for themselves?? It’s so terribly upsetting when you think you meet someone who may be worth hmmm 5 minutes of your time to only find out they’d like a “boob pic.” Seriously? How old are we? Have you never seen a pair? Personally whenever anyone and I mean ANYONE asks me for a picture like that, it’s almost offensive. Why on Earth do you think I do things like that, or better yet; why do you think you’re even worthy of a “boob pic?” Disgusting …

That brings me to question number two. Where did the “woo” factor go? There’s no more real dates, no more surprises, no more flowers …. And ladies; if you are getting these things, strap your men down because you got one of the few woo-ers left! We want to be woo-ed guys! Come on now. How hard can it be? It’s written on every billboard, magazine, and movie summaries; open your eyes. It’s gotten so bad that I feel I might have a minor heart attack if & when someone does woo me.

And this whole “it’s 2015, take initiative.” WHAT? No, no, no; I’m already lowering my standards to online dating, now be a man.

I read something amazing recently and I think every single woman (or just all women) should post it somewhere in their house; “great women before you fought and died just so you can have the right to not only say no; but FUCK NO to men. Exercise that right often.”

Like I always say, all men are not scum (and those we applaud) but for those of you who are… Poo on you sir. Poo on you.

We’re All Mad Here…

Recently I feel I haven’t been all that fair to the male specie.

I mean don’t get me wrong, they’re dogs. But females, we’ve got issues of our own as well. We’re bat shit crazy. Girls have many different stages of crazy, where guys… well they either suck or they don’t.

Stages of crazy….

Insecurity. Now being insecure isn’t anything unheard of but sometimes being insecure makes you go crazy, and then you usually spend at least 60% of your day thinking of thoughts that make you even more crazy. The crazy builds all damn day until you are overflowing with complete madness. Then you speak, and everyone looks at you like your crazy. And that my friends, is where crazy begins.

Clingy. Everyone is clingy at some point, especially when you’re young. I used to be pretty clingy myself then I realized how freaking rad I am on my own and I don’t need to cling on to anyone else. Any-who, excessive texting, postings, talking, touching, needing… Well you eventually look a little crazy and to be honest, you’re probably driving the person whoever your doing this to crazy as well. Pump those brakes…

Criers. Oh the criers. Some girls are just pure emotional roller-coasters. Don’t take it personally; some of us were just built that way. Trust me, we don’t like it either. But you know what can happen if you are too emotional? … You look crazy.

Jealousy. The jealous type is probably the absolute worst. “oh I’ve been hurt in the past, it’s hard for me to trust” girl bye, everyone’s been hurt. If you haven’t, you haven’t lived. So that can no longer be an excuse. You checking his phone, looking at his twitter, stalking his instagram; is not doing anything for you, but making you look crazy.

This is just a PSA. I’ve been guilty of one, if not all of these stages of crazy. But I’m here to tell you just stop. Stop being crazy. If someone doesn’t like you, want to be with you, or text you; who cares. You’re better than just waiting around and making yourself nuts in the process.

One last thought… What if the reason guys sucked so much is because girls are crazy? Now wouldn’t that be a blow? What if we are the ones that make them all go mad and cold hearted. Maybe that’s why the good ones are few and far between. So ladies; just calm down, be real, and be you.